Interview with a Vegan Assassin

A remarkable tale by the inimitable Peter Schreiner, it’s a story told in the spirit and with the fun of noir — A parable for our times.

Crows Head Soup

Ve-Gun

Interview with a Vegan Assassin

I met her one summer night in a vegan restaurant in Germantown. There I was, enjoying a glass of Kentucky Kombucha, a Beyond Burger on rye with fries when this hot dish stops beside my table and stares, deadpan. After an awkward moment, I say, “Hello,” with an overstuffed mouthful of food.

“May I join you?”

She’s looking at me, but I’m not believing. I look around then point to myself.

A tantalizing smile forms on her face, and she says, “Yeah.”

Dudes, eat your heart out. Here’s a classy chick who could have her pick — and asking to join me? No way. Something’s not kosher. Like, she’s a man-hating serial killer, and I have asshead wrote on my forehead. “Um,” I said.

“Thanks,” says the bombshell, pulls out a chair and sits. “Name’s Strob,” and thrusts her hand across the table.

I don’t…

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