News Headline: Vegans Threaten World Order!
Warning. This post is rated VV — violently vegan. Not suitable for…?
We’re getting weary of your salad-eating-vegan fare , Bill. Let’s make something clear. Veganism is a form of terrorism, do you know what that makes you?
Do vegans threaten world order? Yes. World order implies the preservation of disorder — something Mayor Richard Daley uttered in 1968 with a memorable tongue slip:
“The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder.”
Seventy billion kills per year implies disorder, in my mind at least. More on this in a minute.
Time for a few statistics. There are three times as many homo sapiens alive today as there were in 1947, when I personally joined the fray. What about fellow sentient creatures in factory friendly slaughter houses? Well, they suffer short brutal lives, but let’s call it inventory turnover. Why? Because one specie values them for their flesh, fur and hide. Consumers love everything about them. A snapshot census for your statistical curiosity: seven billion of one specie consume seventy billion fellow sentient creatures, annually
We like fine Corinthian leather and we like the smell of bacon in the morning, jellied gasoline, while we’re at it (ha ha. We made a funny). Love it or leave it, my friend. Get with the program before we body-slam you.
“Smart leather fashions are arriving just in time for your busy Summer.”
Who gives the thumbs up or thumbs down? Private and personal shoppers in the marketplace do, aisle by aisle by aisle: does the nutrition label of that item you’re tossing into the shopping cart contain body parts or body-part byproducts? When the barcode is read a replenishment order automatically issues. Death by scan.
Celebrate your heritage by firing up the barbie and wearing a meaty heritage on your apron (the one with the funny soundbites).
Holidays here march on. They mark successive memories of war or metaphors for war. Remember Hamburger Hill while enjoying ground-bovines. Equate patriotic soundbites with a craving for cheeseburgers while you sit on a hill with buns around sizzling bovines and tubed slaughter of befouled fowl, cow and cowering pig. Call it a hot dog memory.
If you like the seventy million so much, why don’t you join them. I hear they’re hiring in Meatland, Misery, if you’re man enough. Capiche?
Thanks for reading.