Category: climate change

The year in review

Livestock stocks ended the year strong as the present and futures markets overwhelmingly outperformed vegan stocks to bring a hefty profit to all our investors. “Serving Man” remains out motto for 2019, it affirms a self-serving stance that is forward-looking and alert to market opportunism.

The meat of the matter is making and marketing meat — the profitable products obtained from the slaughter of nonhuman animals — and finding more ways to counter the criminal activities of animal-rights lunatics that make our job more difficult. These threats range from legally preventing animal-rights protesters from gathering at markets to keeping a lid on anti-meat vested interests in the media. We must counter insipid insistence on truth-in-advertising, it hampers our efforts. Eternal vigilance is our sacred vow. Our guiding principle — separation of meat and animal — is a social contract that has kept meat-keeping successful for many generations.

On the good-news side, ever more creative and diversional ways help keep the social contract of deception alive, well, and thriving. We are promoting a “Chikens protesting Kows” campaign to protect our bovine-blood lover markets as a balancing measure within the meat sector. Of course, we are continuing to bulwark the processed bird distributors in their efforts. Opportunists find themselves in a win-win circumstance, fevered fervor healthens all bottom lines.

On the production side, we witness a record number of calls to the death camps for more body parts and body byproducts. Dead animals are getting snapped up in the supermarket at an extraordinary rate, but the death mills are still able to keep up with those snappings.

Once again, turkeys flocked to the extermination camps to assure body-counts sufficient to sate demand for Rockwellian Thankfulness. More than a few smart shoppers took advantage of super carload lots of corpses-sans-heads to grace holiday tables on Turkey day. Benjamin Franklin would have been proud to know that his Grade-A choice for the national bird would find a way into the stomachs of the Americans who honor patriotic fervor, fanfare and fulsomeness.

Our commitment to dollars über alles maintains product issuing from our many wholesome death chambers. Participation by workers without papers help assure that warm bodies be recruited to work the dead bodies along the carcass hook lines. Our mission is to sate family expectations where it counts: at the checkout line.

Temporary workers without papers are silent partners who generously manned the death stations this year. Public shrugs have been many, they are helpful and they are much appreciated. We also thank those huddled masses for manning stations despite faster carcass production times. All who benefit from significantly higher kills per hour will find a bonus check available in mid-February, bonus amount depending on the number of processed byproducts consumed during the Super Bowl — increased product available in November and saved for the Big Game in February might otherwise find inadequate consumption in the school lunch lines that accept our lower-grade carcasses. Death means dividends for all that decaying flesh you have frozen since Black Friday.

Remember that climate change offers unexpected opportunity — stockpiling is as traditional as drive-through backups for Big Macs. So stockpile for more than snow emergencies to restock, reinvest and redouble advert efforts. Shopper-inducement software is doing an even better job at tracking eye-movements in the highest crave aisles — it’s where the eye meets the meat, where the software captures consumer movements toward product and movement of product into the shopping cart.

Watch for even fatter profits in 2019, and who cares how we get there.

Thanks for reading.