Tag: humor

The LOKi Keyboard

One of my star editors, Loki the Tortie, favors a workstation with instant access to the keyboard and the monitor. Please note that this strategic location also includes a cardboard box of suitable size and, as cat fanatics know well, an empty box is filled with a cat in the earliest possible nanosecond. She puts in long hours, so a workplace with good ergonomics contributes to overall productivity.

loki.keyboard
The coincidence of the alpha characters LOKI suggests that a trickster may also be at work here 🙂

Loki possesses some skills that make her work remarkable:

  1. The ability to patiently ponder interwoven nexi of data trails, this requires deep concentration.
  2. A studied demeanor of sustained mindful concentration.
  3. A profound autonomic snore and schnark.
  4. Sustained purring: a low vibratory murmur punctuated with sudden twitches of inexplicable insight.

I have recorded the intervals of Loki’s breathing/purring, using a set of statistical measures: each calculated, graphed and annotated in apocryphal lab notebooks in a carrel deep within the bowels of a hypothetical library at an unknown university, one where my research is not conducted.

IMG_0774.jpg
Loki the Tortie in a familiar research station

Let us now proceed to Loki’s most recent research. Least, but for from first, Loki issues discrete keystrokes — typically in the range of 0.75 to 0.85 seconds with a stroke of a paw or claw trail.

Here is a link to some signature work recently keyed  in 0.732 seconds:

2p;;;;;;lok

A cursory glance suggests that Loki needed to urinate: 2p. The semicolons may be delimiters, some code or an urgency to cover the distance to the litter box — perhaps indicating 3 sets of paws (3×2=6 semicolons). In this vein, it is interesting to speculate on that missing “i” from an expected “loki”. Clearly, more research is needed.

These eleven (11) characters are as compact as any regular expression I’ve ever seen, they recall the intense memory restrictions of mid 20th Century computers such as Eniac. Coding in those days placed enormous restraints on code size at the machine level, so rapid nimble paw and claw strokes are a tribute to Loki’s computational genius and the elegance of her code.

semicolon.claws

Right now Loki  the Tortie is in the middle of a mind meld with a couch cushion. I eagerly await the results of that meld 🙂

Meanwhile I want to read up on the work of Marc-Antoine Fardin, winner of the Ig® Nobel Prize for 2017:

PHYSICS PRIZE [FRANCE, SINGAPORE, USA] — Marc-Antoine Fardin, for using fluid dynamics to probe the question “Can a Cat Be Both a Solid and a Liquid?”

Thanks for reading.

Sneaky Vegan Advertising

This is the story of a hypothetical broadcaster working an apocryphal news desk at an imaginary sports channel. Here’s the proverbial rub — he is a complete fraud, he has no sports credentials and he hasn’t followed team sports at any level since 1965. By sheer coincidence,  this fictional broadcaster goes by the name Bill Ziegler (no relation, or something).

Welcome to a narrow world of sports broadcast. All characters, statistics and coupon offers are spurious.

No sentient beings were consumed during the production of this broadcast. Go Vegan! Yay Veganism!

veganism.history

Transcript of today’s broadcast:

“Good evening sport, and welcome to our first post-Earth-Day program. We have four sports stories to cover today, so let’s get right to the latest news.

  1. Steve Dreadnought graduated from the NCAA (National Cademy of Academic Academies) in 2011, but it was all for naught until Nought got caught by the Astros on Shale Tuesday to become a doglegged free agent. Steve is a tight-end shaver with a bevy of linesman singing for the county of Paris in New Orleans. Nought controls the inside inch of the rail much better than Ben Bright’s Tights® Dawn’s Men and Seeping Cobwebs® is just about the only team remotely comparable to Ben Bright’s Tights. The team factors in with a ratio of twenty plays deep on the curve and thirty angstroms on the narrow —  each tight has the coarse battle scars earned on the course court to prove it.  Course they do. Write me for details.
  2. The Wave Continentals®are back in the wardrobe factory this season, filling in the gaps left by the Easter-Fry Warriors of Bangor®; as I recall, not a single Swigger Sweet could ravel the ball through the parallels as smoothly as Manfred Fried-Fries of Kenosha® — it’s the only place you can expect spectacular scurries thrown through the fourth wall. Seriously. My words say that they are second only to the Lads of Lancaster® I’ve been there — it ain’t never meant grease to donuts to me, but I’ve shelved Bangor Walnuts® for a living. A hard living, yet may the welts of dignity shine through, and with some decent resilience. I’m stowing my pine on the kitchen counter as my ante — they will make it to central division or drop into the Ides before April. Mark my broadcloth and send it to grandma if you don’t thank me later.
who-likes-vegans
Veganism is not just a trend

3. Moving on to the Autumn training hopes of the Gardenia Wafers® now. You just can’t find daylight between the Solid-Pack Drivers of Scant Regard® and the man who drove the wedgies home before breakfast. Sugar-toasted wedge bars are a new sponsor at ESPN-42®, they’re linked and liked everywhere, manufactured by Pistachio Penached Planchette, Inc.® Remember the name, it’s a double-dork franchise opportunity that you’ll only find on ESPN-42. We remain the only media outlet still located at Bent Beach, future home of the Pretense Machines of Machismo® and the Celery Bakers of West-North Eureka®. Try them soon or shoot the balloon.

a.truth.whose.time

Now, back to your program.

4. We’re introducing a new segment on the Big-Arse 42®— the outside line on the Neon Street Outlaws® those up-and-coming loot traders of the salvage yards begin a new season Thursday evening. Beaster the Baker and I are tracking them assiduously, with scented frame you play a wary game, it’s a tooth-swarm with a schoolmarm’s charm  — that’s what we claim and that’s what we tame. The guys and gals in the wardrobe garner their toes when they tracking a branded. Count down from 7 to 3 and you’ll know what I mean. We broadcast solid encounters with genuine street-incredulity — bouncing leatherettes sparring their claim to fame, as fisted and fancy as October’s Clancy®. Yes, it’s a retro-shot for the Donuts of Shame® a gifted pair of bozo twins who can wave a century-old limey bar faster than you can spin the coffee table to a screen-beveled level. Hey, we’ve all been there and this season promises more than pumpkin-scented jet-streams. You haven’t witnessed a charge more challenging than watching a brand expand into your dug-out chug-out — click SportWafers dot com for 50% off the second season-ticket. Take it to the general and sneer at the devil — it’s that kind of mango.”

northern-parula

Thanks for watching. Tune in tomorrow at 8 for more words from our sponsor 🙂

Disclaimer:

  • The information in this book is meant to supplement, not replace, proper (name your sport) training. Like any sport involving speed, equipment, balance and environmental factors, (this sport) poses some inherent risk. The authors and publisher advise readers to take full responsibility for their safety and know their limits. Before practicing the skills described in this book, be sure that your equipment is well maintained, and do not take risks beyond your level of experience, aptitude, training, and comfort level.

Thanks for reading.

Surprised by a Vegan Diet

 

This morning our friends at Google returned replies to my inquiry “What is a Vegan Diet?”:

About 11,500,000 results (0.54 seconds).

Return here after reading those there.

vegan.compassion.nonviolence

What happens to your body at the molecular level as it recovers from animal fat? Eating animal byproducts such as cheese just keeps clogging up your entire system.  Cleansing takes time but it’s worth the investment. IMO it’s a better return than the perfunctory “You’ve got to die from something” explanation for the inexplicable.

meat.eating.contest
Source claiming that “it was for a good cause though.”

Dairy products may not kill a cow, but its life in a factory-farm-fresh environment starts at her first milking and ends…RIP. Advanced technology makes  pink slime a reality.

What about craving and sluggishness?

Craving steak, cheese and calf milk is temporary, that sluggish feeling is your body going through withdrawal. Don’t blame it on organic fruits and vegetables.

I visited a mega supermarket just up US 27 It’s like a laboratory facility for headquarter employees conducting research at Cincinnati’s new magnet for the Ohio Valley of Freneticism: the brilliantly located Newport Pavilion in Kentucky. About a mile from the headquarter building, but on the other side of the Ohio River.

kroger

I took notes for billziegler1947 in order to get my facts straight and not stray from the vegan theme or become overwhelmed by enormity.

billziegler1947 does not have ads with creepy gifs on the 7 foods you should never…, so here is an unpaid PSA.

At the top of my notes for 5 March 2016 I wrote “Department of What-Gives?”

What gives with those 400 tons of palletized and borg-sized sugar fluids that extend for 30 yards in the middle of the store? Bordered in this case by a cooler case of energy drinks to one side of the sculpture that commemorates the discovery of sugar water flavorings and high-fructose corn syrups.

Coca-Cola_Truck-pos
Here we have a mash-up of images on a theme of the wonderful world of sugar-water flavors.

What gives with those plastic SUVs with a freely spinning steering wheel? It is also not steerable by the shopper tailgating from behind. The shopping cart is physically attached to a theme in plastic. I saw one flanked on both sides by two, perhaps three, toddlers.

What gives with plastic crap-toys on a peg, strategically located so a future shopper in the cart can push the peg downward and watch the crap drop right into the cart.

I searched Google for images to accompany this post and arrived at this rather brilliant article through pure serendipity. Its theme: Why am I so sluggish? Is it the fruit, the vegetables or both?

 

sad woman sitting near plate with vegetables and tired from diet
sad woman sitting near plate with vegetables and tired from diet

Reading crap on the Hollywood Homestead can be detrimental to your health.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

%d bloggers like this: